I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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