3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
