I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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