OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
