On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
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