Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
