Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
