she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
