Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
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I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
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body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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