Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
