I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
