...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
