Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We left the knife in your bed.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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