when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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