Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think my fart just growled at me.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just gargled with NyQuil
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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