Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
