I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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