Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
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A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
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I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.