Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
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