I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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