i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
