I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
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You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
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When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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