I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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