Old men and throwing up are my life now.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Randomize
