Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
So here I am, sexting at work.
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