its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
