Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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