Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
