I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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