cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
