We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
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The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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