How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
