I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
