Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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