All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
