you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
