The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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