I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I wear drunk well.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
