words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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