Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
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