i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
