Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
