who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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