the condom got lost in my hair
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
