rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
