Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.