Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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