I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
