Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
