Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
