the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
