There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
