I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
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Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
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You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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